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Jim's Jottings

A Jottings stuffed with unoffensive (I hope) stuff

July 11, 2012 - • Now that so many are using hand-held devices, no one reports UFOs.

• Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze one of these dangling things and drink whatever comes out?

• I suppose because I drink only black tea, some will call me racist. Brother-in-law Ron drinks only green tea. I'm calling him a Gecko.

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Polly said:

One morning the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a fish and game warden in his boat. He pulls alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (Thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a restricted fishing area,' he informs her. "I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

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• Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

• You can't plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

• Ham and eggs: a day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

• If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride a horse sidesaddle.

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When the forest fires ignited Arizona, California, Colorado, etc. a few months ago there were 27 fire fighting airplanes available.

Soon there were only two. I read nothing about Washington providing substitutes. Maybe some helicopters.

But how much has our national debt increased to support green energy, much of which was wiped out by those resent storms. Electric cars and solar panels be damned!

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• Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life. Based on that math, I should have died in 1732.

• When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, 'congrats.' None look down at a man and say 'nice job.'

• Law of mechanical repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to go.

• Make something idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

• So often when I try to save pennies it costs me dollars.

Jim Sherman, Sr. is president of Sherman Publications, Inc. He has penned "Jim's Jottings" since 1955.
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