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Jim's Jottings

Jim 'gleanes' a column from Florida for reading enjoyment

October 24, 2012 - A Frank Cerabino column from the Palm Beach, Fla. Post.

* * *

News item . . .

When announcing the phone number for Florida Fungal Meningitis hotline this week, Gov Rick Scott inadvertently gave out the wrong phone number, directing Floridians to call a phone sex hotline to answer their questions. The meningitis outbreak is linked to a batch of tainted injectable steroids that were shipped to 76 facilities in 23 states, including Florida. Scott misread the 866-523-7339 hotline number; sending callers to a phone sexline that began with a woman's voice saying, "Hello boys . . ."

Hotline: Hello boys.

Caller: Is this the hotline?

Hotline: Couldn't be hotter.

Caller: Good. I've been having this stiff neck, and I hear that's a symptom.

Hotline: Ooh, you're so funny! Please tell me everything about your neck..

Caller: Well, it started yesterday and it hasn't let up. It seems to get stiffer by the hour.

Hotline: Oh, you poor boy. I'll bet you need some relief.

Caller: It's probably no big thing.

Hotline: I'll bet you it's bigger than you think.

Caller: Do you think so?

Hotline: Yes. I'm so glad you called. I want you to tell me everything.

Caller: OK. I think I'm running a fever.

Hotline: Ooh, this call is making me hot, too. Sooo hot.

Caller: You too? Did you get an injection recently?

Hotline: Mmm. Would you like to hear about it? Is that what you want.?

Caller: Actually, I thought we'd be talking about me.

Hotline: Yes, of course, I am so ready to talk about you.

Caller: I don't know if I have that fungal thing that's . . .

Hot line: Oh, don't worry, dear. I'm going to make you feel better. I'm putting on my tight white nurse's uniform now. Oh, it's way too tight. And short.

Caller. . . . and I've been dizzy all week.

Hotline: Maybe you just need to lie down and close your eyes and let your nurse take over.

Caller: OK. I'm ready. Let's get started.

Hotline; Not so fast, dear. Before we get started, you're going to have to give me your credit card information.

Caller: You medical people are all alike. Payment up front. Do you have an HMO?

Hotline: But I almost forgot Cinemax After Dark.

Caller: How expensive is this going to be?

Hotline: Depends how long we take.

Caller: When do you get off?

Hotline: Honey let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Now will that be MasterCard or Visa?

Caller: Wait a seond. What about lab tests?

Hotline: And I'll need the credit card expiration date.

Caller: How am I supposed to do the lab tests on the phone? second, What about the lab tests?sa?

Hotline: . . . and the three digit security code on the back of the card.

Caller: Aren't you going to need to draw some of my spinal fluid?

Hotline: Listen up, Pal. We're not talking about your fluids until I have that credit card information.

Caller: You know you seem way more interested in the money than in meningitis.

Hotline: Buddy, I don't even know where Gitis is, but I've had men from all over call me, and if they don't have money, we don't talk. That's the rules.

Hotline hangs up.

Caller: Stupid Obamacare!

Jim Sherman, Sr. is president of Sherman Publications, Inc. He has penned "Jim's Jottings" since 1955.
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