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Some 'laws' I've used to amuse and enlighten

June 02, 2010 - I'm a occasional quoter of Gumperson's Law, which is probably interchangeable with Murphy's Law, McGurk's Law and your own law.

All somewhat resemble the "law" of the armed services, depending which you want to attribute it to, "If something can go wrong, it will." Readers can appreciate these "laws" if they have ever wondered why they have to go to the bathroom when their hands are dirtiest.

Or, why you hit every stoplight when you have the least amount of time. You can credit whoever you wish with the following:

All warranties expire upon payment of invoice.

You should give Murphy specific credit for: 'Everything takes longer than you think.'

Here's an oft-quoted one: The chance of bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

And, if it jams, force it. If it breaks it needed fixing anyway.

Back to Gumperson: A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.

Nothing is impossible for a man who doesn't have to do it himself. Along the same line, anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than you thought.

Are you beginning to understand Gumperson?

Toothaches never start until late Saturday night. The executive who can smile when things go wrong is about to blame it on somebody else. Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes to the bone.

Government comes to mind with this observation: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to foul up the project. Or, where you stand on an issue, depends on where you sit.

Repairmen are not forgotten . . . The repairman will never have seen a model quite like this before . . . when a broken appliance is turned on for a repairman, it will work perfectly.

I have some personal favorites, some that I have even found myself using in this printing business, this one in particular: There's never time to do it right, but there is always time to do it over.

Another favorite: The light at the end of a tunnel is the headlight of an oncoming train. And, when all else fails, read the directions . . . When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate . . . No matter which checkout line you choose, all others move faster.

However, long before Gumperson, Murphy and McGurk, there was Dr. Lester Keiser, a psychiatrist with a sense of humor, who propounded the law of life in 13 words:

"1. You can't win; 2. You can't even break even; 3. You can't even quit the game."

I learned this one last week trout fishing with four men and a boy: Trout will always go for the boy's hook first and most often.

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The following poem perhaps should have been in Jottings before Memorial Day, but it is really never too late.

"It is the soldier, not the reporter, who has given us freedom of the press.

"It is the soldier, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech.

"It is the soldier, not the campus organizer, who has given us the freedom to demonstrate.

"It is the soldier, not the lawyer, who has given us the right to a fair trial.

"It is the soldier who salutes the flag, who serves under the flag, whose coffin is draped in the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag."

This is meant for all military personnel.

Jim Sherman, Sr. is president of Sherman Publications, Inc. He has penned "Jim's Jottings" since 1955.
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