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Jim's Jottings

Another time the judge got it right

August 11, 2010 - Last March, the Waco, Texas Environmental Quality office received a complaint. It was alleged that David Cousins leased out a hunting cabin and allowed hunters to defecate in the woods.

It was also alleged there is no restroom, and Mr. Cousins is planning to extend plumbing into a creek next to the cabin. The complaint was referred to Judge Daniel Burkeen for further investigation.

The judge responded to the Texas Commission on Environmental Quality:

"We have had some delay in our investigation of the incidents alleged in the complaint. The problem is, we have recently had a rash of reports of cows, horses, sheep and goats defecating at will in pastures throughout the county.

"On top of this, we suspect that wild hogs, deer and all sorts of other animals are defecating without even trying to find a proper facility. In addition, I have personal proof on my windshield of a mischievous bird defecating in flight.

"The culprit flew away, but I did get a description. It was red. The gift it left was white.

"In order to complete our investigation, I must ask, should we inquire into urination, or only defecation? I strongly believe both are taking place, since hunters have long been suspected of taking a good amount of liquid refreshment with them into the woods.

"Also, we are collecting samples of the activities of these diabolical, defecating reprobates. Should we send these to you, or directly to Austin?

"Lastly, please allow us to handle this at the local level, and do not involve the federal government. When it comes to matters of excessive defecation, Washington bureaucrats would only add to our misery.

"Don't mess with Texas."

Yours truly, Daniel Burkeen, County Judge.

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Going through some old Lake Orion Weekly Review newspapers I found this poem by Helen Rowland. She wrote it in 1913.

Marriage A La Carte

Six days he knew her -- that was all --

Six minutes, down at City Hall;

Six weeks of gladsome honeymoon,

Six more of scrapping -- out of tune:

Six months in Reno -- a divorce!

Here, waiter! Bring the second course!

Kinda brings tears to your eyes, don't it?

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• The older we get the more often we drop things on the floor. I think it's God's way of getting us to exercise.

• I think it was in the 1970s that my former Navy buddy opened a convenience store in Whitewater, Wis. He told me about a man coming in one day asking for Baraboo Brew. My friend replied, "Yes, sir, Barboo Brew, direct from horse to you!" The man was a Baraboo Brew representative and he took my friends inventory of that brand.

• Hey judges, you who we depend on for enforcing the law, why are so many criminals with multiple convictions of crimes, continually let free, often to kill?

Justify that!

I know, it's the lawyer's fault. Oh, yeah, and lawyers sometimes contribute a little extra to judicial campaigns.

• Seen on a tv commercial: Some powdery dish washing stuff "knows" when it's time to release something that cleans better. Anything that smart is eligible for Congress.

• I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Jim Sherman, Sr. is president of Sherman Publications, Inc. He has penned "Jim's Jottings" since 1955.
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