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OCTV announces new lineup of reality shows*

March 30, 2011 - In an effort to double its number of viewers, Oxford Community Television is expected to formally announce April 1 a new lineup of locally-based reality television shows.

"Our research indicates the only people interested in watching an endless stream of government meetings are those in comas or those recovering from lobotomies," said station manager Lon Huguenot. "We need to spice things up a bit, so we're doing what everybody in television does ripping off other people's ideas."

Here's a preview of the new shows:

False Idol Picture a combination of "Survivor" and "The Apprentice." School employees scramble to obey the superintendent's every whim under the constant threat of being fired. The highlight of the show will be "loyalty tests" in which the employees must publicly prove their fanatical devotion or else risk being thrown off a moving school bus. Watch out for informants and spies, they're lurking everywhere!

The Crammys Picture an awards show where folks don't win based on effort, talent or actual deeds. This awards show is all about who you know and the unique ability to pat yourself on the back while smooching others' hindquarters.

So You Think You Can Govern? Hijinks and hilarity ensue as people who lack personal responsibility and possess limited skills are given millions of your dollars to spend. Watch them sabotage and badmouth each other behind the scenes when they think the cameras are off, then become best friends when the tape is rolling.

Are You Smarter than a 12th-grader? Instead of being upset and outraged by the fact that only 18.3 percent of local high school seniors are considered college-ready, we're going to celebrate it with a game show.

Guppy Tank Forget rich, successful entrepreneurs judging the merits of new business ideas. This show pits business people against government folks. Watch as the business people try desperately to discuss jobs, profits and investment, while the government folks focus on pretty facades, parking spaces and how many trees and shrubs will be required for site plan approval.

Extreme Makeover: Personality Edition This show seeks to stamp out individuality, critical thinking and differences of opinion using a team of motivational speakers, self-help gurus and other con artists. Watch as normal people quit reality cold turkey as they join the Cult of Positivity. Fake smiles and vacant stares are all the rage these days, so this show is bound to be a monster hit.

* Warning: This column is intended to be a bit of April Fools' Day humor. Any resemblance to real people either living, dead or in-between is purely intentional. Those who take themselves way too seriously or are constantly on the hunt for something to be offended by should not read this. If you suddenly feel yourself becoming indignant while reading this, immediately go out and purchase a sense of humor.

CJ Carnacchio is editor for The Oxford Leader. He lives in the Village of Oxford with his wife Connie and daughter Larissa. When he's not busy working on the newspaper, he enjoys cigars/pipes, Martinis/Scotch, hunting and fishing.
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