Source: Sherman Publications

Jim's Jottings
Jim Ďgleanesí a column from Florida for reading enjoyment

by Jim Sherman, Sr.

October 24, 2012

A Frank Cerabino column from the Palm Beach, Fla. Post.

* * *

News item . . .

When announcing the phone number for Florida Fungal Meningitis hotline this week, Gov Rick Scott inadvertently gave out the wrong phone number, directing Floridians to call a phone sex hotline to answer their questions. The meningitis outbreak is linked to a batch of tainted injectable steroids that were shipped to 76 facilities in 23 states, including Florida. Scott misread the 866-523-7339 hotline number; sending callers to a phone sexline that began with a womanís voice saying, ďHello boys . . .Ē

Hotline: Hello boys.

Caller: Is this the hotline?

Hotline: Couldnít be hotter.

Caller: Good. Iíve been having this stiff neck, and I hear thatís a symptom.

Hotline: Ooh, youíre so funny! Please tell me everything about your neck..

Caller: Well, it started yesterday and it hasnít let up. It seems to get stiffer by the hour.

Hotline: Oh, you poor boy. Iíll bet you need some relief.

Caller: Itís probably no big thing.

Hotline: Iíll bet you itís bigger than you think.

Caller: Do you think so?

Hotline: Yes. Iím so glad you called. I want you to tell me everything.

Caller: OK. I think Iím running a fever.

Hotline: Ooh, this call is making me hot, too. Sooo hot.

Caller: You too? Did you get an injection recently?

Hotline: Mmm. Would you like to hear about it? Is that what you want.?

Caller: Actually, I thought weíd be talking about me.

Hotline: Yes, of course, I am so ready to talk about you.

Caller: I donít know if I have that fungal thing thatís . . .

Hot line: Oh, donít worry, dear. Iím going to make you feel better. Iím putting on my tight white nurseís uniform now. Oh, itís way too tight. And short.

Caller. . . . and Iíve been dizzy all week.

Hotline: Maybe you just need to lie down and close your eyes and let your nurse take over.

Caller: OK. Iím ready. Letís get started.

Hotline; Not so fast, dear. Before we get started, youíre going to have to give me your credit card information.

Caller: You medical people are all alike. Payment up front. Do you have an HMO?

Hotline: But I almost forgot Cinemax After Dark.

Caller: How expensive is this going to be?

Hotline: Depends how long we take.

Caller: When do you get off?

Hotline: Honey letís not get ahead of ourselves here. Now will that be MasterCard or Visa?

Caller: Wait a seond. What about lab tests?

Hotline: And Iíll need the credit card expiration date.

Caller: How am I supposed to do the lab tests on the phone? second, What about the lab tests?sa?

Hotline: . . . and the three digit security code on the back of the card.

Caller: Arenít you going to need to draw some of my spinal fluid?

Hotline: Listen up, Pal. Weíre not talking about your fluids until I have that credit card information.

Caller: You know you seem way more interested in the money than in meningitis.

Hotline: Buddy, I donít even know where Gitis is, but Iíve had men from all over call me, and if they donít have money, we donít talk. Thatís the rules.

Hotline hangs up.

Caller: Stupid Obamacare!